Since I don’t live in Amsterdam anymore, the days are getting harder and harder. I feel very sad how my life looks like now a days. Let me try to explain everything in this new post. Living at my mothers house was a blessing when I was younger and it was good. But since my father is past away, it feels not like home anymore. Maybe in a different way? But maybe I have to figure out that.
My sad feelings started because I’m far away from my dreams and goals. I don’t have a photographer next to me, I don’t have the positive energy from the city around me. I don’t have my friends around me. So many things are away from me, that makes me sad. It effects my energy to get up and see things in a positive way. Because when you have so many basic things not around you. How do I stay positive in a negative situation? What I do know is that I can handle everything. I know that I’m stronger than ever. I survive my fathers death, because I’m still a live. But being a live doesn’t have to mean that you exactly live life.
Do you feel me? Not able to do the things you passioned about, feels hard. That makes my sad feeling bigger and bigger. I can not show my talent and being myself at the same time. Some days you can find me in my little room. When I’m there I’m only thinking why my life has to be like this? I wonder why I can not take controle of it, or just change it right away. I’m still at a young age and I’m still not where I wanted to be. I feel sad about the fact I’m not able travel. I am such a curious person that want do discover different cultures. Seeing different places and meet new people would give me so much positive energy.
It is hurt me deep in my hear that I don’t have my friends around me, so I can discuss things with them. I knew for sure that it will bring a smile on my face. To be honest I feel like my battery is getting death and I feel like it is time for a change. The change that bring my life in the right direction. Do you recognize that? What makes me happy is that I’m able to share this with you. I’m very thankful that I can share my tears with you. Nevertheless I still feel like my life has to be like it is, but why? I don’t know the answer yes. One of my closest friends said to me: you are such a fighter!
When she said that to me I thought: Yes I am. But how many times do I have to fight? Why I have to fight everyday? It would be better if my battle would turn in to luck. But unfortunately that is not my current situation. I am still alone surround with negative energy and only my dreams in my mind. I don’t have the power to fight that is what I feel right now. Sometimes you not able to right anymore and I think that moment is coming for me. The time that I can get up anymore, it seems like it is coming closer to me.
The tears that I drop are the tears from pain, angry and frustration. Because why it have to be like this ? I knew what makes me happy and who I am as a person. But hopefully good times will coming soon and maybe I have to fight harder to turn my life in a positive way. I booked myself a get-way in December to Barcelona and I’m looking forward to my new adventure. When I booked my flight last week, I was so happy and I can’t wait to get in to the plain and fly a way from all the pain. That I can be myself for one day and I capture al the good moments that I’m going to have in Barcelona.
After I’m back from Barcelona, I will share everything experience with you. Because you are worth it.